I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
