i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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