friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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