Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
