Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
