So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
