someone threw a dead crab at me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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