why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
