Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
