First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
