Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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