While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
