Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
