I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
