I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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