he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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