i wish my penis had a tongue
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can't put those talents on a resume
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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