At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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