Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
