and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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