how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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