Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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