mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
