I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
