cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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