can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
