i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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