and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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