I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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