nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
