We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
