Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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