I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
