It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
