Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
