Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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