he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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