Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Let's get the cat blown out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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