And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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