First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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