Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
