i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
