Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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