you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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