I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
