: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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