What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
