im about as happy as oj after his trial
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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