It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
