Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
