Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
