I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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