I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
