I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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