i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
