My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
