So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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