I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
this is an emotional support booty call
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