I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
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Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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