I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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