i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
