hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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