someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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