My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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