I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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