So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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