I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
